


Embers and Coal

by Lady_Sage



Category: Persona 3
Genre: Angst, Dark, Depressing, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, October Spoilers, September Spoilers, Song Lyrics, Songfic, i broke my own heart writing this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-26
Updated: 2017-03-26
Packaged: 2018-10-11 09:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10461660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lady_Sage/pseuds/Lady_Sage
Summary: This fic follows Akihiko's and Shinjiro's short time together after Shinjiro rejoins the Team. Except, there's a bit of an in-depth twist to it. They still fight a lot, though.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Song used: "Bones" by Ben Howard

_Oh, go far from this small town bar we know_

_Yeah, go frolic in the lights that brought you here_

_So very long…_

 

Shinjiro found himself sitting outside the back entrance of the bar in the back alley. The noises coming from within were louder than usual, but he didn’t mind all that much. He was too focused on the cigarette between his fingers anyhow. That cloud of smoke at least smelt a little sweeter than the cloud of smoke floating out of the bar. Though, he had a list of people who would disagree, starting with the letter _A_ …

 

Speak of the bastard.

 

A head of white hair suddenly appeared around the corner. Shinjiro let out a heavy sigh before taking one last drag and sending his cigarette to the ground.

 

“It’s late,” he said.

 

“Training,” Akihiko said. “It’s nice out so I decided I would go for a run. Then I decided I would stop by to check up on you.”

 

“I don’t need to be checked up on.”

 

“C’mon, Shinji, please don’t be like that. I mean, I’m not here in a vain attempt to get you to rejoin the team. I’m here just for the sake of seeing you.”

 

“Tch. Why would you waste your time?”

 

“It’s not a waste of time.”

 

He breathed deep, also breathing in whatever faint cloud of smoke was left around him. Then he closed his eyes as he released. This guy was never gonna quit him. He didn’t get why he still fought him on the matter. Or fought him at all, really. Most people would be appreciative of someone like Akihiko. But then most other people deserved someone like Akihiko. As for Shinjiro, he deserved to be alone. So he tried to make sure he was always alone. Then this guy had to show up to check on him. Though, he had to admit—never aloud—that there was a part of him that still enjoyed the other’s company. There was a strange reassurance with it.

 

“You should head back,” Shinjiro spoke up, shaking his head of those thoughts.

 

“I just got here,” Akihiko said.

 

“But it’s late.”

 

“Like I’ve never been out this late before.”

 

“It’s more dangerous now.”

 

“Exactly my concern with you being out here all the time. It is more dangerous now than before and I can’t help but worry about you.”

 

“You ain’t gotta worry about me. I can handle myself.”

 

He actually smiled at this. “I know you can, trust me. But that doesn’t always make me feel better. So, y’know, just keep in mind that the dorm is always open. If you ever need protection—”

 

“Aki.”

 

“What?”

 

“Stop.”

 

Now he sighed. “It wasn’t an invitation to rejoin the team. Just an invitation in case you’re ever in any sort of danger.”

 

“I don’t need protection.”

 

“Hmm. If you say so.”

 

“Just get out of here.”

 

“You gonna light another cigarette as soon as I leave?”

 

Shinjiro hunched and dug his hands deeper into his pocket at this inquisition, turning his head away. Akihiko was sure to make his outreached hand noticeable, though. Neither of them moved for what felt like an hour, but Akihiko was just a little more stubborn than Shinjiro. And there was an incredibly small part of him that acted out on purpose because he enjoyed the attention he received from the other by doing so.

 

“Shinji,” he spoke up.

 

He scoffed before pulling a hand out of his pocket and placing his pack of cigarettes in Akihiko’s open hand. Then when he didn’t move, he rolled his eyes, his lighter joining soon after. That was when the other finally pulled his hand away.

 

“I’ll see you around,” he said.

 

Shinjiro’s hands were back in his pockets. “Tch. Whatever.”

 

_And hold, hold your lips so tightly that the shadows may go_

_Cuz I know, I know, I know, I know you can never be alone_

_Cuz it’s just the bones you’re made of…_

 

Akihiko still remembered the first time he ever summoned his Persona. The adrenaline rush of holding the Evoker to his head. The shots of Zio coursing through his veins. The knockout punches that sent the Shadows running. It was all like a game to him. And man, did he hate to lose.

 

The best part of it all, though, was the fact that he was fighting alongside his best friend. He had this incredible new power and he had been able to share it with the one person who meant the world to him. Of course, Shinjiro hadn’t been all that excited about it. He was always weary of his abilities, even before the incident.

 

“Y’know, I don’t get why you always come back here,” he said, joining Shinjiro again at the back alley one night.

 

“Tch. I don’t get why you keep coming here, either,” Shinjiro said. He refused to make eye contact, as usual.

 

“I come here for you.” Akihiko paused. He breathed deep, inhaling some of the smoke from the cigarette the other put out right as he showed up. He’d never admit it, but he found the smell almost…comforting. “So do you come here to torture yourself with the memories or something?”

 

“I come here to remind myself why fighting is a bad idea.”

 

“If you don’t like fighting then how come you’re always picking fights with me?”

 

“Tch. I ain’t the one picking fights, moron.”

 

“Right, of course not.”

 

“You need to stop coming here so late. It’s almost the Dark Hour.”

 

“So?”

 

“Last time you got caught out during the Dark Hour you broke your frigging ribs.”

 

“Kirijo refuses to let me fight in Tartarus with the others, so I need to get training in some way or another.”

 

Shinjiro rolled his eyes. “You ain’t ever gonna heal proper if you keep that up.”

 

“C’mon, I’ll be fine.”

 

“That’s what you always say, and you’re almost never fine.”

 

Akihiko rolled his neck and cracked his knuckles. “Why do you always underestimate me?”

 

“I ain’t underestimating you, idiot. You just like to think you’re invincible, but you’re far from.”

 

“Sorry for having confidence in my abilities.”

 

“Shit, Aki, there’s a difference between confidence and arrogance.”

 

That was when Akihiko’s fist collided with Shinjiro’s jaw. He grunted, stumbling back a bit. He rubbed his jaw, soothing the pain as best he could.

 

“Aren’t you gonna hit me back?” Akihiko egged him on.

 

“Not when you’re already injured.”

 

“C’mon, I can take it.”

 

“Tch. And I’m the one picking the fights, yeah?”

 

“Hmph.”

 

Another eye roll. “Just get back to the dorm before the Shadows get you.”

 

“What about you?”

 

“What about me?”

 

“I don’t like you being out here alone during the Dark Hour.”

 

“Tch.” He started to walk away, pulling out another cigarette. “So long as there are Shadows around, I ain’t ever alone.”

 

_And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely_

_And that’s all right, honey, that’s all right with me_

_Oh, you laugh like there’s hope in the story_

_And that’s all right, honey, that’s all right with me_

_Oh, you laugh like I’ll be there to hold you always_

_Always here, oh, always here, yeah, always here…_

 

Shinjiro stood in the doorway of his old dorm bedroom. His hands were stuffed in his coat pockets as they almost always were. He looked around the empty room. Well, it may as well have been empty. Just a bed and a desk.

 

“Should I even bother suggesting to decorate?” Akihiko spoke up.

 

“Nope,” he said.

 

“That’s okay. I’m just glad you’re back.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“C’mon, Shinji, why do you have to be like that?”

 

“Don’t start, Aki. I ain’t in the mood for your preaching.”

 

“It’s not preaching. I just…” He sighed. “I wish you enjoyed my company as much as I enjoy yours.”

 

Shinjiro swallowed hard. He then entered the room and took a seat on the bed. There was an unsettling silence that came with the motions. He had almost expected creaking, but it was as if everything was still brand new. Almost everything.

 

“Maybe you don’t feel the same, but for me there’s comfort in knowing you’re sleeping only a room away now. I’ve missed you.”

 

“Tch.” He kept his head down as he held back a blush. Damn it. He hated when Akihiko did this to him. “Stop being such a sap.”

 

The other smiled because he knew Shinjiro all too well. “Maybe you do feel the same way after all.”

 

“Don’t get your hopes up.”

 

Now he laughed a little. “Yeah, yeah, I know.”

 

Shinjiro let a small smile spread across his lips. “All right, well, time to choose where you wanna be rather than just standing in the doorway like that.”

 

Akihiko took that as an invitation to step into the room. He closed the door behind him and looked around before proceeding any further. “By the way,” he started, “you won’t be able to get away with smoking in the dorm.”

 

“I ain’t gonna smoke.”

 

“Good. That means you can hand over your pack and lighter, then.”

 

“Hmm.” He didn’t put up a fight. Instead, he just handed the items over to the other. “Do you just have a drawer full of all the cigarettes and lighters of mine you’ve collected over the years?”

 

“Of course not. You really think I’d risk keeping those on me?”

 

“So you just tossed them all?”

 

“Well…yeah.”

 

He nodded. “Thanks for wasting my money.”

 

“Don’t blame me.”

 

Shinjiro scoffed, but he was still chuckling a bit. So Akihiko smiled again.

 

After standing around for a few more moments, Akihiko decided he didn’t need an invite to sit beside Shinjiro on the bed. So he took that seat and the other didn’t deny him.

 

For the rest of the night, they remained beside each other just like that. Every once in a while they’d partake in small conversation; a short back and forth never lasting more than a couple sentences. But the silence that fell between the two of them afterwards was always comfortable. It was familiar. It was right, because for what seemed like the first time in forever, they weren’t leaving bruises. They weren’t arguing or throwing punches. They were just sitting—maybe a little bit closer than best friends should’ve been sitting—and enjoying one another’s company.

 

And just like that, it was almost as if the previous two years had never even happened; those two years simply disappeared. There was never a separation. Never a wall between them. Never a cloud of loneliness.

 

But that had been a stronger illusion than the Dark Hour.

 

_And go silent as death on the first day of the snow_

_Oh, go leave these fires burning_

_A house of embers and coal…_

 

Akihiko would always remember that night. As much as he didn’t want to, he would. He would never be able to prompt himself to forget. It would stain his memory just like the blood stained his leather gloves.

 

The walk back to the dorm after the fact was almost worst. Almost. Because the ever so silent walk prompted him to delve through all his memories from when he and Shinjiro were kids. All the memories from the orphanage of the two of them running around. The play fights that turned into real fights once they hit puberty.

 

The memory of how he hadn’t been able to protect his sister. Now he hadn’t been able to protect his best friend.

 

By the time the team got back to the dorm, the Dark Hour had already ended. The heat kicked on, but Akihiko couldn’t feel it. He couldn’t feel anything.

 

He made his way up to the second floor. Rather than going to his own room, though, he stopped at the first door on the left. The once again vacant room. He stepped inside to find that nothing about it had changed. It had never been decorated or anything. Not that that was surprising.

 

There was a box, though. A box that had been left behind. A box containing the few items Shinjiro had had in his possession.

 

Damn it. Nothing about this was fair. The other very well knew how this night was going to turn out. He at least could’ve warned Akihiko. Didn’t he deserve that much? Or was that asking too much? Hmm…

 

He took a seat on the bed. The mattress creaked faintly. That somehow made it feel more uninviting than ever before. He remained seated, though. He had no plans on moving, either. And he wasn’t going to move until he woke up from this nightmare. That’s right. Akihiko was gonna wake up, and Shinjiro was gonna be lying beside him. Then he would tell the other all about his awful dream and Shinjiro would call him a moron and they would go on with their lives. With their reality.

 

Wake up. Please.

 

Akihiko couldn’t decide if he was bargaining with himself or with Shinjiro still.

 

He brought his knees to his chest and hugged them tightly. The room was warming up, but he was only growing colder. So he pulled something out of his pocket. A lighter. One of Shinjiro’s lighters because of course he kept them. And now he would use it. Now he was flicking it just to fight this numbness.

 

Because with Shinjiro gone, it might as well be the Dark Hour every hour.

 

_And cover, cover all those boys that search for love in your room_

_Cuz lust is just a child’s game_

_And you, oh, you were always late to bloom…_

 

Shinjiro spent just about two years ignoring Akihiko. Except when he ignored him, he still acknowledged his existence. He only ignored him because he knew the other would be better off. Of course, Akihiko would beg to differ.

 

Now Akihiko was the one ignoring Shinjiro. Except the difference was that Akihiko was giving him the full-on cold shoulder. That meant he was really pissed. Never had he ever followed through with not talking to Shinjiro before. And he wasn’t entirely sure how to feel about it. Frankly, he was a little pissed off himself about the situation. After all, this meant he was gonna have to be the one to start the confrontation when, for the last two years, that had been Akihiko’s job.

 

Except now Shinjiro found himself barging into the other’s room. Akihiko had been in the midst of throwing punches at his heavy bag. As soon as Shinjiro entered, though, he turned on him and ended up punching him square in the jaw. So rather than the two of them exchanging words, they began exchanging fists. They tackled each other to the floor, not stopping until Akihiko managed to pin Shinjiro down by his shoulders. They stayed put for a few long minutes as they caught their breath. Then Akihiko rolled onto the floor beside the other, Shinjiro sitting up now that he was free.

 

“Feel better?” he spoke up.

 

Akihiko remained silent, still breathing pretty heavy. Soon enough, though, he also sat up. “I don’t get it, Shinji,” he said. “Why drugs? I mean, you could’ve talked to me.”

 

“Hah, yeah right.”

 

“The hell is that supposed to mean?”

 

“With the way you preach, can’t talk to you about a damn thing.”

 

“It’s not preaching. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

 

“Whatever. You’re a hypocrite either way.”

 

“Excuse me?”

 

Shinjiro pushed himself to his feet. “You heard me.”

 

Akihiko scrambled to his feet as well, getting heated all over again. He pounced at the other, practically driving him into the wall. Shinjiro was somehow more prepared now than he had been before, though, so he was able to give him a better fight. A fight that ended with him pinning Akihiko to the wall instead of the other way around.

 

“Are you done yet, jackass?” he said.

 

“Tch.” He shoved Shinjiro away. “Fine. Sorry for actually giving a shit about you. Sorry for wanting to make sure you’re safe, and for not wanting to lose you like I’ve lost every other damn person in my life who has meant something to me.”

 

He swallowed hard. “C’mon, that ain’t fair.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

And with that single word, Shinjiro had Akihiko back up against the wall. But this time he didn’t want to fight. He didn’t want to fight or talk; he wanted to prove to Akihiko that he meant as much to him as he did to the other. So he kissed him. It was short and hard, and when he pulled away he kept his eyes closed in preparation for the reaction only to be surprised by getting kissed back. They broke apart again, both of them opening their eyes to get an answer out of the other.

 

“You’re such a prick,” Akihiko spoke up, a faint blush covering his cheeks.

 

Shinjiro laughed before kissing him once again. Akihiko kissed him back as he pulled the other’s body even closer to his own.

 

It wasn’t long before they were stumbling towards the bed, and fumbling with different articles of clothing. It wasn’t long before they reached their deepest level of exposure. Of vulnerability. In those moments, neither of them felt invincible, but that was okay. It was more than okay. Because invincibility was nothing compared to belonging. It was nothing compared to feeling secure. And so long as they were laying together—maybe a bit closer than best friends should’ve been laying—they were safe.

 

_And you laugh like you’ve never been lonely_

_And that’s all right, honey, that’s all right with me_

_Oh, you laugh like there’s hope in the story_

_And that’s all right, honey, that’s all right with me_

_Oh, you laugh like I’ll be there to hold you always_

_Always here, oh, always, honey, always here…_

 

Akihiko usually wasn’t one to reminisce, but lately his mind kept wandering to the past. He found himself thinking a lot about when he and Shinjiro were kids. And he would do this in the middle of the night while the other was fast asleep beside him.

 

Every night the team didn’t go to explore Tartarus, Akihiko found himself sneaking into Shinjiro’s room once the Dark Hour would begin. Some nights they would just entangle themselves, losing track of which arm was whose and which leg was whose. Other nights they would move in sync, skin to skin. Bared. But no matter what, Akihiko would almost always find himself lying awake, thinking. Remembering. Reminiscing. It was becoming a bit of a habit and he didn’t fully understand why.

 

“Aki,” Shinjiro whispered through the darkness.

 

“Yeah?” he said.

 

“Why are you still up?”

 

“Just thinking.”

 

“That ain’t a good sign.”

 

Akihiko chuckled softly. “Shut up.”

 

Shinjiro kissed the nape of his neck. “What are you thinking about?”

 

“The past.”

 

“Damn, that ain’t like you either.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, well…” He paused, sighing. “Just can’t help but wonder where we’d both be if we’d never met.”

 

“Don’t really wanna think about that, in all honesty.”

 

“Hmm.” He smiled. “I know what you mean, but still.”

 

“You think too much.”

 

“No, you just refuse to really think about anything.”

 

“Shut up.”

 

He chuckled a bit more. “Either way, I am glad things turned out the way they have. I mean, there are some things I’d change if I could, but I’m content for the most part.”

 

“What would you change?”

 

“Miki would still be here, and we wouldn’t have lost those two years. So then this,” he gently squeezed Shinjiro’s hand, “would’ve happened sooner.”

 

“I can agree with those changes,” he said. “Also, the incident with Amada’s mother never would’ve happened.”

 

“Yeah…” He paused again, thinking. “Shinji, do you wish you never awakened to your Persona ability?”

 

“I guess. Sometimes.”

 

“Only sometimes?”

 

Now he paused as well. “Most of the time.”

 

Akihiko swallowed hard. “I’m sorry.”

 

“For?”

 

“Urging you to rejoin the team.”

 

“C’mon, Aki, you don’t gotta apologise for that.” He kissed his neck again. “Just go to sleep.”

 

“Will you promise me something first?”

 

Half asleep, Shinjiro only hummed a response.

 

“Okay, then I’ll promise you something instead,” he said. “I promise to stay with you no matter what. To be by your side forever. To be your light in the darkness, even though you’ll never admit to needing one. I promise I won’t ever leave you lonely because I hope I make better company than the Shadows. And I promise—”

 

Suddenly, Shinjiro hugged the other tightly against him. “I love you, too, moron. Now stop being such a sap and to go sleep already.”

 

Akihiko blushed lightly. “Sweet dreams.”

 

_And you love like you’ve always been lonely_

_And that’s all right, honey, that’s all right with me_

_Oh, you love him with all of your body_

_And that’s all right, honey, that’s all right with me_

_Oh, you love him like he’ll be there for always_

_Oh, always, honey, yeah, always near_

_Always, honey, yeah, always near_

_Always honey, yeah, always near…_

 

Shinjiro stood in his room, staring at the calendar hanging over his desk. Today marked the two-year anniversary of the incident. It was also a full moon. The kid had already made an inquiry about meeting up at the back alley and he was more than ready to go. He had been waiting for this day for a good while now.

 

When he left the dorm, he made a quick stop at the corner store first to pick up a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. Then he made his way for the back alley. He lit a cigarette on the way, making sure to savour it.

 

He knew exactly what to expect when he arrived at the alley. Hell, the kid had every right and reason to hate him. He did kill his mother, after all. Accident or not, Shinjiro took the kid’s mother from him and left him with no one. The kid deserved revenge and Shinjiro deserved the punishment.

 

Of course, Akihiko would strongly disagree.

 

Damn it, he was trying real hard not to think about that son of a bitch. But his voice kept on ringing in his head, loud and clear. Nothing could change the outcome of this night, though. Akihiko could tell him how much he meant to him and how much he loved him over and over again, but it still couldn’t have kept him from meeting the kid at the back alley.

 

Shinjiro was the only person Akihiko had left in his life? Well, like it or not, that was one more person he had than the kid had.

 

Better yet, Shinjiro had given Akihiko as much of himself as he could. And sure, he loved him, too, but he still knew things would be better off this way. Akihiko would be strong enough to overcome whatever happened, and he would move on with his life. Maybe it wouldn’t exactly be ideal, but—

 

Who was he kidding? He couldn’t even make himself believe that bullshit. But he had to keep telling himself that Akihiko would be strong enough to go on without him around. Despite all the memories and all the promises, Akihiko would have to accept the outcome as it was.

 

Hell, he sure was getting ahead of himself. Then again, he wanted to be prepared. He was prepared. And nothing was totally permanent, right? No matter what, he’d watch over Akihiko always. Maybe he wouldn’t be able to be next to him, but—

 

There he goes again, getting ahead of himself. So he shook his head, clearing it of all the compiled thoughts.

 

By the time Shinjiro found himself standing at the entrance of the back alley, the Dark Hour had only just begun. He took one last long drag of his cigarette before tossing it to the ground. The smoke filled his lungs, giving him a false sense of warmth.

 

There would be no coming back from this.

 

_Oh, go far from this small town bar we know_

_Oh, go leave me with this bird and this song out here in the cold_

_Cuz it’s just the bones you’re made of_

 

Akihiko had collapsed to his knees in the back alley. There was a faint trace of smoke in the air, and he couldn’t decide if it was remnants of smoke from the bar down below or from his best friend who was currently dying in his arms.

 

He decided it didn’t matter. All that mattered right now was keeping his composure. But, damn it, that was proving to be far too difficult.

 

The only thing he could think about was how he had been too late. After all, he had found himself racing to the back alley. For almost an entire month he had been able to avoid the area, but now he had been brought back there by some sick twist of fate. And by some even sicker twist of fate, he had arrived two shots too late.

 

So now he was holding his best friend’s hand as he was dying in his arms. The worst part was the fact that he had to try to be strong for the others. That was hard to do, though, when the coldness from the air and the body was making his muscles weaker than the dying life in his arms.

 

He had to focus, though. He had to focus because Shinjiro was still talking. His mouth was still moving, but Akihiko seemed almost unable to process what was being said.

 

C’mon, moron, focus. Please.

 

“Take care of him,” Shinjiro said.

 

Who? The kid? Of course. Yeah. Okay. He could do that. Especially for him. Did he say that out loud, though? He already couldn’t remember. He couldn’t remember because he was still trying to figure out a way around this. There had to be a way to save him. He couldn’t lose him, too. Not when he was the only person he had left.

 

Shinjiro was smiling, though. Akihiko’s eyes were a little hazy from trying to hold back tears, but the other was definitely smiling. He wasn’t scared of dying and he absolutely hated that. Yet, at the same time, that made it a little more okay.

 

A part of him knew that Shinjiro had somehow thought this through. He had considered Akihiko’s feelings on the matter and had decided that he would be able to overcome it. So because of that, Akihiko knew that he would somehow have to overcome this. He was gonna have to find a way to be strong and move on with his life and get used to Shinjiro not being around. At all. Because at least before he knew he was somewhere out on the streets. Now he would just be gone.

 

Shinjiro’s body was growing colder. Weaker. His hand slipped out of Akihiko’s grasp, so he held his body tighter. He held him and watched him with blurry, wet eyes. His mouth was still moving and he could barely make out the words. He could barely process them. When he did, though, he knew he would never forget.

 

“This is how it should be.”


End file.
